why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
