i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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