I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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