I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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