having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
