so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
