He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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