fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
