but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
