The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
