Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
