She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
