I will die if light touches me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just high enough for therapy.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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