Umm I'm too high to move.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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