This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
