how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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