Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cut my penus on the lid.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
