I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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