he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
