Already got asked if we're dating
I will die if light touches me.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
