i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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