im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
