There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
