Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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