you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
