babies were throwing up all over the place
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
