Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Text me some of your sweat
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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