She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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