I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
