I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
