remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
