Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
