Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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