she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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