just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
