apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
