i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
