Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
