We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
