My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
