wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
