i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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