Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
