she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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