what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
