I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
