I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
