When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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