I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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