What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
