Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
